Nov 8, 2011 - 16 weeks since the boys were born...

Today was the boys' due date.

When I first found out I was pregnant, I thought early November was a fantastic due date this year -- how awesome would it be to be a few days overdue and have a baby on 11/11/11? Then we found out that I was carrying twins. There was no way that I was getting that close to my due date. Oh well - they wouldn't have a cool birthday, but twins! We expected the boys any time in October. Sadly, they came in July. But today is still hard. November 8th, 2011 - another due date passing without a child in my arms.

May 1, 2010; April 18, 2011; November 8, 2011 -- I remember them all.

People have been asking who the boys were named after. We had been planning to explain at their britot (circumcision ceremonies). We never got the chance. So I thought I'd take this opportunity to explain why they got the names we gave them.

Micha was named after David's father's father - Mischa Elman. I love the tradition of naming children after family members who have passed away. Naming after one of our grandfathers was really important to me.

Asaf's name was picked because the boys were due around the Jewish holiday of Sukkot - the harvest festival ("Asaf" means 'harvest'). Later, someone pointed out another meaning of the root word of Asaf's name - 'addition'. Seems an especially fitting name, since he was our 'additional' baby - twin b.

I still can't believe they're gone... I would give anything to get the chance to hold them again. There is a quote that circles among 'baby loss moms' -- "A thousand words can't bring you back, I know because I've tried. And neither could a thousand tears, I know because I've cried". I would do anything, give anything to have my babies with me again, but I know that I can't.

We have visited the cemetery several times, but it's not the same. Whenever I pass by the hospital where they were in the NICU, I find myself thinking I can stop by and visit - but then I remember that I can't.

Life marches on. I have a new job now. I was planning on being a stay at home mom, but instead I'm working in a law firm.

We are still meeting with doctor after doctor - not necessarily looking for answers about what happened because nothing can change what was, but instead looking for the solutions for the future. Getting pregnant again will be so hard, is it worth trying? Will I be able to carry to term? If I can't carry to term, why would I spend so much time and energy on getting pregnant again? No one has the answers, but the doctors are encouraging me to try again. They don't seem to understand. I'm so scared. I can't lose another baby. This is more than just 'another try' -- this is my life, my babies. I'm not sure what we'll do.

We are pursuing adoption as well, but as anyone who has tried that route knows, adopting is incredibly difficult, both emotionally and logistically. Adopting means giving up on so much - a biological child, carrying the child inside me, giving birth under 'normal' circumstances (instead of the craziness of my 2 deliveries), holding our child on the day s/he is born, and so much more. We are willing to give up all of that to have a baby of our own. Unfortunately, adopting isn't that simple. The waiting, the bureaucracy, the uncertainty, the energy, the home visits, the psychological checks, the criminal background checks, the financial inquiries, the unknown. We met with the adoption agency on Sunday and were told that it's a 7 year wait for a healthy baby -- we've been "on the list" for a year now, so we should call back in 5 years and start the process then. 5 years. <sigh>

I hope we do get a child to bring home one day. I'm not sure we will, but only that hope gets me through the dark days. On other days I acknowledge the fact that not everyone gets a happy ending, and I try to figure out who I am if I'm never a mom again.

I don't know what will be. I don't what the future holds for us. I just hope that if we don't get our 'happy ending', we can still learn to be happy with whatever ending we get.