Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Dec 7 - adding another "due date that won't be" to my life...

We got the greenlight to try the IVF again 4 months after my C-section. We wanted to start ASAP. After we lost our first set of twins, it took more than a year (and 5 IVF cycles) until we had a viable pregnancy again. I'm terrified of getting to July again and not even being pregnant or having any other route to parenthood open.

So, we started our FET (frozen embryo transfer) in October. We only had one frozen embryo to transfer and after a few weeks of hormone treatments, we did the transfer in mid-November.

We only had about a 20% chance of a viable pregnancy (an estimate based on the quality of the embryo and the fact that we were transferring 1). When I got the news that the cycle had worked and I was pregnant, I was in shock! So much of a surprise that I went back for multiple blood tests, just to be sure.

As usual with IVF cycles, our first u/s was scheduled for when I would be 5 weeks + 3 days pregnant, which fell out on Monday, December 5.

On Sunday December 4, I started bleeding - a lot. I was nervous, but I had a ton of bleeding when I was pregnant with the boys and everything had been fine. I called my clinic and they said to come in on schedule for the u/s the next day.

On Monday morning we got good and bad news. The good news was that there was no sign of miscarriage but the bad news was there was no sign of a pregnancy either. The blood test results we got later that day were also okay, but not good - my beta hcg levels had gone up, but not nearly as fast or as high as expected. We were told to come back on Wednesday, December 7 for a follow-up.

Well, this morning, we got definite bad news. Still no sign of pregnancy on the u/s and my blood beta-hcg levels have dropped from 1,200 to 300. Definitely a miscarriage.

So I add another "due date that won't be" to my life -- August 3, 2012 - another day we should have a baby, but won't.

While adopting will take 7 years before we can even begin, we'd been recommended to apply to an organization called Summit, which manages the foster-to-adopt cases. Ideally, we would take in an infant and eventually (when the parents officially lost their rights) we would adopt. About 90% of babies chosen for the foster-to-adopt program are adopted by the foster parents (and we'll try not to think about the 10% chance that the baby we've been raising will be taken away from us).

Unfortunately, we've been categorically denied as prospective foster parents (before they even met with us) because I suffer from chronic depression and take anti-depressants. We are trying to appeal to them. I've been stable on the anti-depressants for years - even with all the hell we've been through recently. Both my therapist and our couple's counselor are writing letters of appeal. So more waiting and uncertainty.

I know we deserve to be parents and that we would be great parents. I just don't know if we ever will be parents (again). I hope so, but I don't know.


  1. So sorry to hear this news. I really hope that one day you will have a placement as well as your BFP and rainbow baby. Im here for you if you ever need me!

  2. Oh, no. I'm so sorry. I'll definitely be thinking of you and your family that your children, however you get them, will be with you soon.

  3. Sending you lots of thoughts and prayers on this sad day ....

  4. Have you thought about going the surrogate route at all?

  5. Praying for you to bring home a baby.

  6. Just want you to know I am thinking about you and praying things will work out for you. I know it's hard.